5. Brushing your teeth is a luxury when there’s a newborn in the house.
4. If you have dogs and a baby, you need an “I’m not effing around trash can.” Otherwise the dogs eat dirty diapers. It’s okay to vomit now.
3. There is a magical luxury in having your children in their car seats. Especially once you tightened the last strap, closed the doors, and have 2.8 seconds to yourself. Take a deep breath woman, you deserve it.
2. There is a level of tired where you function but your brain goes on 2-second delay. You sound like an idiot everywhere. Starbucks dudes think you’re an idiot. The three-year-old mocks you when your back is turned. Your mom friends who sleep through the night titter and go, “Mom Brain.” Shut the hell up about mom brain. 2-second delay also means I might punch you in the throat.
1. Because you’re a good mom, you worry constantly. Is that the baby crying? Is the toddler even eating food? Is the boy feeling neglected? Is he sad? Is happy enough? Are you seeing to his needs, to her needs, to the baby? The poor dogs, for the love of goodness, someone SNUGGLE that dog. This happens every night until you drop into an exhausted collapse only to snap awake the first snuffle of said baby/ toddler/ boy and yet sleep through the jerks upstairs or the a-holes across the way who apparently don’t believe in bedtimes or watching their kids.