Book Reviews

Here’s the truth…

Varney the Vampyre is crazy pants.  The book I mean, but honestly  the Vampyre admitted he was a Vampyre so….he’s maybe not the best example ever.  I’m pretty sure secrecy is a good plan for those creatures of the night.

varney3

 

Now, there are pieces of this book that I absolutely love.  For example, the opening scene where beautiful girl is sleeping in the safety of her home.  When what’s that?  Long creepy nails scratching at her window, but no!  She sleeps through.  Sleeps through and wakes (too late!) to find a vampire crawling in her window.  No, no, no, but she can’t scream!  With breasts heaving, terror freezes her until she finally finds the strength to run only….to be grabbed by her hair, dragged across the bed and becomes the main course of the midnight feast of blood.

I mean.

1) that’s creepy as shi#  2)  it’s sooooo familiar.  Do you think he snagged the image from someone else or is it original?  3)  there are so much vampire shi# in here that’s stolen from him that I marvel.   For example, the whole idea of the love a virgin redeeming the vampire.  Now, I always thought that was dumbest plot line ever.  But it’s good to know, it was stupid originally and yet people have used and reused it.

Now this is a real quote from Varney:

“Yes,” said Varney, “the vampire. You know me Flora Bannerworth–Varney, the vampire; your midnight guest at that feast of blood.”

Here’s another:

“Why does not Heaven grant me the death I pray for?”

Both of those made me laugh-out-loud.  But honestly, do you think God is up in the heavens thinking, “Oh that poor sweet girl, I’ll strike her dead so the vampyre doesn’t munch on her?”  I mean, where’s the LOGIC in that?  If God were to strike someone dead in that sitch, surely, surely it would be the Vampyre?  Wouldn’t the thought be, “Oh, there’s that abomination Varney the Vampyre about to munch on poor, sweet Flora.  I could just kill her, but what if I just got rid of the abomination instead?”

Now, actual religious belief aside, WTHeckfire?  And why, oh author pants, do you continue to have your characters plea for death?  The first time, I was like–um, stupid.  But again and again?  I mean, if you’re constantly asking for God to kill you, so you can escape your problems it kinda loses effect.  You know?  There’s a part of your audience that is thinking, “Just because those guns aren’t so effective against the vampyre doesn’t mean they won’t kill you.  Go ahead, whiner, shoot yoru brains out.  Or man, the heck up and go ahead and stake that a-hole Varney, light his corpse on fire, and bury his ashes separately.”****

Or how about this one?  Henry Bannerworth has challenged Varney the Vampyre to a duel.  Henry shoots.  No effect.  But Varney refuses to shoot.  Henry’s like dude, we gotta re-shoot.  And Varney pulls the bullet from himself and is like, Here’s use your same bullet again.  You could re-use it.  If you want.  (AKA Varney first recycler.)  Moments later, however, with direct, clear confirmation that Varney is A VAMPYRE, who ate on your sister, is forcing you from your home, and ADMITTED it, Henry is all sad for him when the mob comes after him.  WTHeckfire????!!!!???

So, what am I saying with all this?  I’ve had a lot of time to read lately.  Yet I’m barely a quarter done.  So, I’m mixing it up.  I want to read the further dragging-a-girl-across-her-bed-by-her (aka creepy as shi# scenes) that have been stolen and restolen.  But I can’t take this crazy book in such huge doses.  So, I’m also reading Queen Lucia by E.F. Benson.

Which I thought was a 1920s, young girls about the town book.  But no!  It’s a book about spoiled housewives, in the 20s, fighting over who gets to “rule” the town.  Also, there’s clearly a long con.  If these women lived today, they’d be in love with Nigerians and Western Unioning them cash to get on a plane, unite their love, and bring the gold bullion over.  Because, for some reason, it’s always gold bullion.

~Amanda

ps lucky me.  Both books make me laugh.  Or cackle, if you will.

****My method of vampire disposal may seem like overkill.  But should someone ever convince me that they too are a creature of the night and plan to munch on someone I love, I’m gonna take care of business.

Fair warning.

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