Family, These Lying Eyes

Sad thoughts…and gratitude.

Hey there world,

I was having some sad thoughts today.  Just in general because I’ve always been a hormonal mess and specifically too, because things are going well for the tots to go home, and as wonderful as it is for them–it’s sad for me.  FiestyPants and I have this beautiful bond, and when I look at her, I see this potential friendship, love, and respect that could last our whole lives.

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But you know, what?

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It probably won’t.  My bond with her will end, and she’ll have a beautiful bond with her mom, and her sisters, and her brothers, and her grandmother instead.  And, sometimes, I’m capable of saying that’s ok.

Today, though, I’m capable of saying regardless of what happens with these babies, I’ll be ok.  Even though I’m sad.  Because I have so much to be grateful for.

Like:

*My wonderful family

*My amazing friends

*The beautiful world we live in

Portland River Line

*The good things people do to help each other

*Fiction, and how it helps me reset my mind and my life in a way that can only be understood, maybe, by others who use it for cheap therapy.

fault in our stars

And I’m grateful for other things, lesser things.

*Ice in my drinks, and the snuggle of my puppies, and a carpet cleaners, and pizza, and Dr. Pepper, and the sound of rain, and warm cookies, and having a job, and the progress on my own book, and mostly, I’m grateful for the peace I have in my life.  Yeah, it comes from believing there is more to this life than chance and evolution, that this life will continue, and that–maybe–someday, I’ll see both of them again.  My FiestyPants and Boy Blue.  It’ll be different then, but I’ll be able to tell them how very much I love them.   How much I have always loved them.  And how grateful I am that they were part of my life–if only for a little while.

 

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I hope you aren’t also hormonal messes today.  If you are, you aren’t alone.

~Amanda

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3 thoughts on “Sad thoughts…and gratitude.”

  1. I’m so sorry you are sad today. You have every right to be. In spite of all the things you know you have and can appreciate in your life, sometimes we need to allow ourselves – and others – to just be sad. And maybe you’ll be allowed to stay in these kids’ lives, albeit only as a loving aunt. Sending lots of love your way.

  2. Thanks for sharing. Glad I’m not the only one who relies on writing fiction to ‘therapize’ myself. (I know..that’s not a real word..but real is sometimes LAME!) I’m glad to know you. There is a saying which at once makes me made and makes me feel better..”It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…” Unfortunately when you are in the middle of the losing part, it feels like a ginormous LIE. I’m impressed that you are able to hold on the gratitude. That’s a victory, my sista! (do I sound like a gangster? In order to not feel emotions too deeply I like to go into nutcase mode!)

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